My present mental state: Drained, but hopeful. My body felt like a 2-ton rock stuck at the bottom of a river. Every day included endless chores and a shortage of time. I would have screamed “help” but it would have been useless. My kids’ noise content was equal to an audience awaiting the performance of their favorite artist. My cries would be drained out before anyone knew a whimper escaped my mouth. Pushing through the day seemed impossible but, it was doable after all; it was my everyday routine. I sank down to my knees in a movement similar to a snail; falling faster and harder in reality. The floor felt comforting yet only a mere five seconds passed and then surrounded by voices calmly asking “Mommy are you okay?” I looked and nodded just to silence the chatter. I was blessed with five minutes to daydream of sitting by a lake listening to the nearby waterfall. I needed a spiritual retreat, but when was I ever going to have one.
Let’s fast forward. My life has had a temporary change from the usual. A summer vacation away in the form of family members who gathered to rear my children for several weeks as I regroup in order to regain momentum for their return. I wish I could say it was a spiritual retreat I resorted to afterward. To be honest, my first few days of freedom turned into binge-watching movies on Netflix and stuffing my mouth full of ice cream. A moment of rest was few and far in-between as a new monster reared its head in the form of anxiety due to my kids being away. I was extremely disappointed as the collection of things in my mind increased by one. I was hoping that it would go away after a few days but it continued to linger. So, as I would with any other thought that tried to take over I rationalized and came to a conclusion that brought comfort. I wanted to rediscover myself and make space for the things I never had time for such as an undisturbed meditation. When the kids were home I tried at night while they were asleep, but then I fell asleep and never fully committed myself to it. It had been so long I’d forgotten what it felt like.
A few days ago, I closed my eyes and peacefully concentrated on the stillness I felt around me as well as absorbing the sounds I heard outside of my home. There was a white light that enveloped my mind and later turned into beautiful pictures of places and people I’ve never seen before. Prayer and meditation have a way of changing the atmosphere. I could feel peace spread throughout every limb on my body. It was a welcomed experience. After so long of not having that it impacted my mind greatly in ways I had not realized. I suppose a spiritual retreat for most would be a trip to an exotic place out in nature where the remnants of fresh flowers linger in the breeze. So far it seems to be right here in my home. Love flowed so richly from my pores I felt as if I was reawakened again.
A thousand and one things are always available to pull you away from retrieving a peace of mind. Some weeks are better while others are worst. As I continue to work on consistent balance and find what works I encourage you to do the same. Have faith and keep pushing.