Depression: The Walking and Talking Truth

Smiles amount to nothing when you feel like crumbling on the inside. Most people don’t realize exactly what’s going on until its paralyzing.  Appetite non-existent, sleeping all day to escape, and hygiene is out the window. Life is hard at least that’s what you tell yourself. You’re left wondering what happened. Depression can weigh on you heavily no matter the circumstances surrounding your life. It’s your perception of self and or the crapload of negative thoughts bombarding you. Life can appear to be everything you want it to be. When you look around it seems you have everything to live for but, on the flip side, none of it matters. The bells and whistles for depression can ring loud for some, but not everyone will equate it to a call for help so what do we do? Realistically speaking, bottle it up and tuck it away. We resort to handling it on our own, which leads to an ongoing struggle to muster up the strength to rise in the morning. “I need help, where do I start?” The question that plagues the mind of many. Don’t worry, you are not alone.

I remember seeing a therapist for the first time. It was summertime in Hawaii. You would think I’d be happy on a beach somewhere right. I sat so quietly taking in the musty smell of the office while the AC unit fought to maintain the lukewarm air it was dispersing. It sounded so loud at the time. I had sat listening to the dialogue between me, myself, and I. Going back and forth in my mind causing me to rationalize my reasoning for being there. My first session included tons of questions I felt uncomfortable answering. Being indecisive didn’t help either. The next session, the words poured out of my mouth one after the other. The feelings associated with the words became overwhelming. It was a sense of unloading what laid dormant within. The more I spoke the lighter I felt. Getting down to the truth was more challenging than I had realized. I hit a brick wall. Do you know what happens when you don’t believe the truth about what you discover about yourself? Its called denial. I walked out of my therapy session and never looked back.

Days went by as I laid in bed with no energy to move. I was just tired, I thought. Now, it’s really bad when you lie to yourself. No one understood because I said nothing. I spoke to my friends and family only staying on the surface level of my feelings. I was ashamed. I knew I couldn’t carry on any longer. The way I was spiraling affected so many areas of my life until a permanent way out became a consideration. I knew It wasn’t what I truly wanted, but when you’re stuck, it presented itself as the best option. I needed help and after leaving the last session over a year and a half ago it was time to put myself first again. It was going to be different this time around. I was ready to face my truths.

What is your truth? What is behind the smile you put on your face. Are you really happy? For years, empty smiles filled a void. No emotion of happiness at all attached. The search to my core self helped me to identify what held me in bondage. Learning to love yourself is not an easy feat for some, but it is a critical element that is needed to fully live. Find comfort and support with family, friends, prayer, and meditation. Seek help with a therapist if necessary. Be brave enough to love to yourself the way you deserve too.