The Blame Game: Looking in the Mirror

Buried deep in self-pity it seemed as if the tears would never stop falling from my eyes. Two days without a bath curled up in bed and the television watched me as if I were the main attraction. What better than a marathon of movies on Lifetime to pull a person out of a slump but, somehow it did not bring comfort and only fueled my mind with emotions that were unidentifiable. No food and no water. “Who needs food at a time like this,” I thought as the growling from my abdomen became very apparent. I just laid there and ignored it hoping everything was a bad dream. My relationship was on the road heading toward a dead end. I dragged myself out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. I flipped the light switch on and took a long look at myself in the mirror. I peered past my physical self drifting into a time warp of past situations. I stepped outside of myself for the first time and began to examine my actions and the feelings I had attached to it. The pain in my stomach grew stronger and nauseousness sat in. I had put all the blame on someone else. It was time to take responsibility for the part I had played.

The Self-Examination Process; What is it exactly? Best described as pulling out all of the good, the bad, and the ugly. I crawled back in bed and continued to travel back in time replaying all the arguments and situations I found myself in with the people I cared most about. We tend to play the victim when wanting pity from others. It is done so often some are not aware of it. I was always the victim and never realized how my actions were significant as well. I pulled my journal out and began to write and cry and cry and write. It was extremely hard to put words on paper to describe some of the things I had said and done. A few hours later I gave in to my hunger and decided to get out of bed for a while. Feeling much better after pouring my soul out on paper along with the food I devoured helped as well. The effort I applied to my appearance was the bare minimum while on the inside it felt as if I was undergoing a complete makeover. Journaling was one facet that changed the way I interacted with people over time as I took into account incidents that challenged me emotionally.

There are so many important questions we forget to ask. “How do you feel?” was never a question I heard asked much. To be honest, I’ve never gone within to truly understand how I felt about anything. I kept it all on a surface level and did not fully realize what I let occur. All I knew was when I experienced painful situations I just wanted it to end so I ignored it and pretended everything was okay. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has done this. Is anyone also familiar with making assumptions? The wrong assumptions are troublesome especially when trying to figure out how someone else feels. This habit led to several disagreements. I had to not only learn to ask myself “How do you feel?” but, to ask others as well.

Seeing both sides of an issue allows for understanding and the correct action to take place. Emotions can very well still run wild simply because we are only human. The idea is to consider what each person has to say and determine what factors each contributed. Not all relationships will be salvageable. Mend the ones you can and release the others as lessons learned.